A Little Self-Reflection Never Hurt Anyone

I have found that parenting often leads me down the path of self-reflection. I believe I am, and have always been, capable of self-reflecting on my behavior, actions, ideas, and beliefs. However, as I have grown, matured, and experienced life, I feel that my self-reflection abilities have deepened and expanded. My husband questions whether my "self-reflection" is a careful examination of situations of "just me being hard on myself." I counter that self-reflection should involve owning one's part in a situation, taking responsibility for one's actions, accepting the consequences of those actions, and taking proper steps to rectify any trespasses. Over the years, I have tried to instill the ability to self-reflect in my daughter. I believe she is far more mature emotionally than I was at her age, and her insight always impresses me. Often, it is guiding her through life's storms that leads me to reflect upon my own life and choices.

I have come to the realization that some individuals are incapable of self-reflection. There are people who will always play the blame game, portraying themselves as victims in their story, pointing fingers at others for their situation, and living life embittered, angry, and blameful. These individuals will never take responsibility for their actions, acknowledge their part in a problem, or own up to it; they will also never take steps to rectify an injury inflicted. This attitude is what I battle and make efforts not to become. I also guard against my daughter becoming a blameful, victim mentality, entitled individual.

As is often the case with teenagers, the path of friendship can be difficult and sometimes downright treacherous. It is a challenge to maneuver friendships that can be laden with mine fields, boobie traps, pit falls, and uneven territory. I find myself encouraging her to look at the big picture, what is happening in this person's life that could lead to the offending behavior? Sometimes, one just has a bad day and nothing more. At other times, it could be a pattern, and how can she protect her heart while still being a good friend? Relationships are hard. I always encourage her to not only examine the relationship but also the role she is playing in the situation. I explain that in all situations, no party is ever completely innocent. My advice is always to take responsibility for your part, apologize, and move forward. Sometimes this works; most of the time, it does. However, sometimes individuals cannot meet you where you are in your path, and your path must diverge.

As I reflect on my path, I realize that many friendships have diverged. Friendship is often situational. Of course, we gravitate toward people we see often, share jobs, situations, life experiences, and common space. There are people in my past I considered good friends and imagined a lifetime of shared friendship. Some I considered my "ride or die." I could not imagine my life without them. For whatever reason, these friendships faded into the background, becoming fond memories for some and painful memories for others. There are friendships that will never be resolved. To this day, I reflect on friendships from high school and still have no idea why things played out the way they did. I suppose I've learned that sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are and move forward. An individual I considered my best friend, who grew up with me, knew the ins and outs of my life, my family, my deepest secrets, and my feelings, is now no more than a polite stranger. Despite reaching out to her over the years, trying to make amends, apologizing for crimes unknown, and putting myself out there, she remains distant. I remember the last kindness she showed me, she called me on the first Father's Day without my dad. That was almost twenty years ago, now. I have accepted it for what it is, wish her peace, joy, and happiness, and appreciate that final act of kindness.

As we move through life and jobs, we meet people, become close to them, celebrate life's milestones, and work through life's difficulties. However, in the end, when we leave those jobs, we often leave behind those friends as well. When I was teaching, I had friends I considered good friends. We laughed, shared school-related experiences and life stories, and socialized outside of school. However, once I resigned from my teaching position because my dad was ill, those friendships changed and eventually faded. The last time I met my friends for lunch, I had just adopted Jordan. I was in the throes of early motherhood, juggling the responsibilities of being a stay-at-home mom. My friends were in various stages of motherhood, all more experienced than I, and they continued to work. Our luncheon was awkward at best. They were discussing situations I had no connection to, a job I had left behind, and kids I didn't know. I remember making an excuse that Jordan needed to go home for a nap, and I left early. I walked back to my house, pushing my daughter in her stroller, and feeling very dejected and rejected. I never saw those individuals again unless it was by coincidence in public. We no longer comment on each other's Facebook posts. When I reflect on the situation, I understand those friendships were situational. Our paths diverged. Without the ties to our jobs and shared experiences within our jobs, we have little in common. It is simply life.

I share all of this with my daughter. I remind her that high school does not last forever. Most of the people she encounters will soon cease to be a blip on her radar. What feels important now will fade into the background of her story. I remind her that what is important is how she feels about herself. Part of feeling at peace with yourself is engaging in self-reflection. Asking, did I do something I need to apologize for? What was my role? Where am I on my path? What can I do to rectify the situation? My advice is simple and unrefined: Don't be an asshole.

If a relationship fades, the path of friendship diverges; handle yourself with grace. I can't always say I did this, and I wish I had. Also, maintain your self-respect. Don't chase someone who doesn't want you; don't force yourself into a situation where you're unwanted. Sometimes, we are at fault and play a huge role in the deterioration of a relationship. Own your part. If you are given the gift of forgiveness, don't make the same mistake twice. If you have damaged a relationship beyond repair, own your part, make peace with it, and go with grace. Don't fight, beg, cry, plead, punish yourself, or sacrifice your self-respect. Bow out and walk your path with your head held high, knowing you did the best you could.

The flip side to all of this is that someday, you will be surprised who walks your path with you. Appreciate those people and cherish their friendship. You may be surprised who your "ride or die" friends turn out to be. I have two friends from high school whom I message daily. It's not always profound or meaningful, but it's a daily connection. Those individuals are there for me in both good times and bad, and I am there for them. We may go months, even years, without an in-person visit, but when we connect, it is like no time has passed. I know that if I called them for anything, they would be there.

The friends I stay connected to from my teaching days are not the same friends I laughed and carried on with on a daily basis. These two individuals message me randomly just to check in, say hello, or when they are in the area to have lunch. There is no awkwardness. We remain connected at a different level. I appreciate that and cherish them.

The friends who walk with me now feel as though they have walked with me for a long time. The Bibbed Wonder and I agree that the friends we've made through our little soap and farm endeavor are some of the best friends we've ever had in our lives. These friends have transcended the bounds of friendship and become family. I would not have guessed that I could make such deep connections with people at this stage of life. I, too, share this with my daughter. She sees this and tucks it away in that wonderful little brain of hers and uses it to deal with the hardships she faces now. I believe it gives her hope for the future. At least this is my hope.

As you move along your path, take the time to enjoy the company of the people you encounter. Self-reflection is a strength; nurture it. Simply stated and unrefined; Don't be an asshole. A little self-reflection never hurt anyone. Of course, stay safe, be smart, and keep washing your hands; life gets messy.