Man Blog of May

Apparently, a nasty windstorm with lots of trees to clean up does not exempt me from the monthly man blog, but only delays it. We hosted our annual springtime event this past weekend, and even though I thought I was in the clear of said blog, a request was made in front of upper management for the man blog. I have to admit, guys are dicks. I would have done the same thing to any friend of mine because that's what guys do.

Every single month, I have to fight the urge to write on why I think we are in the stupidest time in the history of man. I can't hold it back anymore. I listen to Spotify for free all month and am subject to all the commercials. This month, I discovered that there is a specific cat food to feed your cat if you are allergic to cats. I don't know how to make it clear. You know that an animal destroys your breathing and makes you a swollen, snotty mess. You pick up said animal and bring it into your home, and then rejoice that there is food available that makes it slightly less miserable to be around the pet that you could have chosen to avoid in the first place. The big pet food companies must have a small army of research and development professionals figuring out what the market needs. Apparently, cat food for people with cats that they are allergic to was a big enough group that needed to be covered.

There are commercials constantly about different prescriptions available that don't even mention what they treat or cure. Rather, you should ask your doctor if it is right for you. Let me schedule an appointment with my doctor to see if I can get some meds that I don't even know what they do, or if I need them in the first place, because they were advertised on the radio. If I were a doctor, I would suggest the generic version of every recommended med because of an ad on the radio. Rather than write the script on anything close to what was suggested, it would be for hippo laxatives. Who would know? Almost every pill out there has a warning about pooping your pants. When NetFlix does the documentary, it can be called The Doctor of 10,000 Sharts.

There are specifically portioned pet food meals to ensure your dog isn't getting overfed and, of course, is eating only organic, certified prime cuts of endangered species. How did we get from the one-hundred-pound bag of Ole Roy for our dogs to four-ounce portions of sea turtle shipped twice daily on dry ice to ensure freshness? I have seen dogs recycle their food and need to have special additives on their kibble to ensure they don't eat their own turds. They don't have sophisticated taste buds. Of course, you have to say their coat is extra shiny whenever you spend more on their meals than your own. You would seem completely brain dead to admit that the spotted owl package is alright in Fidos book, but every once in a while he like the taste of his own turds and three week old dead groundhog.

There are entire industries dedicated to making our yards greener and growing faster, just so we have to mow more grass. Lawns are the most irrigated crop in the USA. Everyone who is fussing about water shortages, emissions from equipment, and vehicles waters their lawn and has to mow it more often. I am ready for the trend to turn our yards into maintenance-free yards and can't wait to get on board with that.

We can order wings at a restaurant called "The Colon Collapser," and then need to sign a waiver for our own stupidity. Wings by themselves are proof that higher-level thinking has diminished. The most annoying part of the chicken is the wing. The part that was a nickel for five pounds, a generation ago, is now flavored and sold in restaurants at "market price". There is nothing better about the wing part of the chicken compared to the rest of the bird. I would rather avoid the wing than have a dozen on my plate. No worries because every restaurant that switched from a dozen down to ten kept the prices the same and then made them fluctuate in their favor, like dealing in lobster. If wings were the best part of poultry, where are all of the turkey wings? There are turkey breasts all over the grocery store. They are in the frozen food section, there is turkey lunch meat, and turkey jerky. Why are there no turkey wings? If wings are indeed superior, then larger wings would be even better. The ostrich and rhea market tanked years ago but was unable to make a comeback when wing prices went through the roof. What would be better than a three-foot wing to devour with your family if wings were that great? We have been played and now pay a premium for the only part of a chicken worse than its feet from which to make a meal.

We have been making fewer and fewer consequences for being stupid for generations. We have an old fan in our house for decoration. It has about a ten-inch span across the blades and just enough of a cover over the blades that you could not stick your elbow entirely into the fan's path. There is enough space in the guard to get all four fingers into contact with the spinning blades. I always think that fans are a prime example of what has happened with being safer and more idiot-proof. It has stopped people who don't think about their actions from having consequences. Want to poke a spinning blade? Go for it, and then you will know for the next time. It allows you to learn not to be stupid and is a great way to let the rest of the world know. If you are a few fingertips short, everyone knows why and keeps an eye out.

Until next month, remember that idiotproofing does nothing but empower the idiot. Stay safe, and wash on.