My Heart's Delight and My Soul's Purpose

Happy Wednesday, dear reader. I hope this finds you well. On Monday, we traveled to see The Bean's top choice for post-secondary education. It was our second visit to the school, and it was much more personal and informative than the initial tour. We walked around the area, checked out cafes, coffee shops, thrift stores, and bookstores. I am happy to share that my girl has made her final decision and will be making big moves come September. Monday was filled with so much excitement, nervous anticipation, and hope. I am so excited for this next chapter, but I must admit, my little heart is fractured. Not broken, just fractured. 

I love that she is going to do everything I had dreamed of doing when I was her age. Unlike me, she has the support, encouragement, and people who believe in her to make her dream come true. I am standing back, watching my girl make big decisions and cheering her on all the way. However, there is also part of me that is so sad this chapter of our story is over. Once she moves out, things will be totally different. Not different in a bad way, but different just the same. 

This knowledge makes this year all the more bittersweet. It will be her last Thanksgiving and Christmas at home with us in our snug little family. I know she will be home on breaks and come home for the holidays, but she won't be here all the time. She will come and go, flit in and out, make new friends, make plans that don't include me. She is moving on, and that is exactly what she is supposed to do. I just wish I had a bit more time. 

Sometimes, I feel like I have squandered my time with her. We haven't gone on nearly enough trips or spent enough time together doing fun stuff. Yes, we spend a lot of time together, but was it quality time? Have we made enough good memories, or does she just remember the stress, the worry, the drama that seemed to prevail over our lives for so long? Have I created enough happiness for her? Sigh. 

I believe she feels loved, supported, encouraged, safe, and we have the kind of relationship where we can talk openly about everything. We are more than mother and daughter. Our relationship runs deeper than anything I have ever known. She is my world, and she knows this. I am so excited for her to fulfill her dreams, and she has big ones. The selfish part of me wishes she could have stayed little for a while longer. 

All this upcoming change makes me miss how her warm, sticky little hand felt in mine. I miss that tiny voice coming from the backseat asking endless questions. I miss the feeling of her weight against me as she sleeps and the smell of her hair after she got out of the bath. I miss carrying everything, but the kitchen sink, with me, to go on an outing. I miss how she once believed I knew everything, could make everything better, and that I hung the moon just for her. 

Being her mom has been my heart's delight and my soul's purpose. I'm not sure what I will do without her by my side almost 24/7. How will I ever sleep? The house feels off when she is not here. Her dad and I joke that we need her as a buffer. We don't. I enjoy spending time with my husband, but we have become such a unit that it will feel like a big part of us- the best part of us- is missing. 

I haven't really given myself time or permission to feel all this. We have been so busy that I can push it to the back, lock it away, and pretend I have all the time in the world. Monday made me realize that I don't. As I sit, hyperfocusing on finding the right housing option for her, researching the area where she will live, and shopping for her future apartment, filling out paperwork for schools, housing, and financial aid, I can force myself to get lost in the logistics of the upcoming year. That keeps all the feelings at bay. Eric doesn't understand that overplanning, researching, and finding answers to every possible question is my way of feeling some control over a situation that makes me feel uncomfortably out of control. Although I have counseled my control freak into submission, it still rears its ugly head when big changes are on the horizon. I just have to keep it in check, so I don't overwhelm my daughter. It's a coping skill that developed out of necessity. A lifetime of coping is a hard habit to break. 

Eric and I are so proud of our girl. We both feel as if she is on the perfect path for her. I pray we have given her the tools she needs to navigate this world. When my baby bird flies out of the nest, she isn't just dropping to the next branch down. She is flying over the treetops and out of sight. Of course she is; it's how she has always done things. I could not be more excited to see where her journey takes her. I know it won't be perfect, but she has the uncanny ability to overcome the most difficult challenges, learn something valuable, and become even wiser. My heart is full. 

On this lovely Wednesday, stay safe, be smart, enjoy every chapter, give yourself time to process the ones that are ending, and keep washing your hands.