Quit Looking Like Jesus Kicked You in the Cooter and Other Sound Advice

Well, dear reader, with all that has been going on lately, my patience is pretty thin. I try to be patient with my family and people in general, but it's a challenge these days. The three of us have been attending a lovely little country church since October. In the beginning, we were all enamored with everything about it. Lately, my darling daughter has been acting every bit the teenager, from surly moods to borderline-disrespectful quips to eye rolls. She acts just like her father; insert a sigh, eye roll, and  RBF. 

Sunday, in the bathroom as we were all three trying to get ready for church, we had what I like to call a "come to Jesus" meeting. In our home, a come-to-Jesus meeting entails I speak, in a tone and perhaps at a raised volume, and they listen attentively if they know what is good for them. We don't have to have many come-to-Jesus meetings; my goons are usually quite delightful, respectful, and pretty well-behaved when it matters most. However, as my darling daughter stomped around complaining about the uncivilized hour of being out of bed, and my husband chimed in with his snarky little jokes, I lost my patience. 

I looked at them both and said, "You know..." In our home, when I begin a sentence with "You know..." it's about to get real. They both stopped what they were doing, I think it was pinching each other on the upper arm, trying to vie for mirror space, and they froze mid pinch. I looked at Eric point-blank in the eye and said, "You need to be an adult and keep your ass awake in church. I don't care how warm it is in church, how full your belly is, or if you were up beyond your 8 p.m. bedtime; you stay awake, stay focused, and pay attention. It's about manners. You're being rude!" He began to explain that he doesn't try to fall asleep; it's just so warm in there that he can't help it. I shut him down and said, "Would you fall asleep while attending a public speaking event? Same thing."  

Next in my line of fire was my surly faced daughter. She looked annoyed, tried to side with her dad, and was shut down immediately, with a stern look and the comment, "And you, young lady, can quit walking around looking like Jesus kicked you in the cooter! If you can be up half the night on that damn phone, you can attend church with a smile on your face and a positive attitude! Do I make myself clear? You are a young lady, not a baby. Keep your ass awake, smile at the nice people in church, and make an effort not to look like you hate the world!" I was met with a "Yes, ma'am. Sorry."

The best parenting strategy, probably not. However, I give myself a score of 10/10 for a humorous comment that made me giggle in private, and a comment that got her attention. The Sunday church service went smoothly. Everyone stayed awake. I only had to pinch them once, and Jordan smiled and acted like a civilized human being. Things I should not have to address for $500, Alex.  Sigh.

So, my best advice this week is, "Quit looking like Jesus kicked you in the cooter! There are worse things that can happen." On this warm spring day, stay safe, be smart, rearrange that face and that attitude, and keep washing your hands.