What Makes a Good Marriage?

Well, dear reader, Saturday marked twenty-three years of wedded bliss for The Bibbed Wonder and me. Instead of a romantic interlude, we spent the day packing orders since we had a rainy day, no market sale, an eight-year-old's birthday party, and a farm bureau dinner. Even if we wanted to get away, the image above captures the weekend's overall mood. This flooding basement project is frustratingly never-ending. 

The Bean asked, "What makes you and Dad so happy?" I  gave her the abridged edition, but it boils down to a few basic principles. What makes our marriage work is that we are almost always on the same page about almost everything. If we are not, we get there eventually, but we also always project that we are on the same page when there is an audience. That audience is our teenage daughter. We agreed a long time ago, like way before kids, that we would always have each other's backs when it comes to parenting. If we aren't on the same page, we get there behind closed doors without any teenage ears overhearing. This strategy has worked well for us thus far. However, our morals, values, and beliefs are aligned, so there is rarely serious conflict on the parenting front. Parenting is the biggest job we have ever taken on, and we take that job very seriously. My goal has always been to create a stable, loving, supportive environment where it is safe for our daughter to explore the world and who she is with guidance and support, not control. I think we have been successful for the most part. I think she looks at our marriage and, yes, she sees the flaws, but she sees the bigger picture: a strong, healthy, happy marriage. A few years ago, she paid us the greatest compliment. She told me that the song by Jax, Like My Father reminds her of us. If you haven't heard it before, take a listen. It will make you cry. 

I believe that overall, we have a happy marriage. Eric will joke that I am happy and he is married, which brings me to the topic of laughter. I feel what makes us the strongest is our ability to laugh at ourselves. Let's face it, life with me is no picnic. It's more like a late-night snack at a dive bar after a long, unplanned road trip down a bumpy road, in a car with no shock-absorbing system, a radio stuck on one annoying song, and maybe, just maybe, a random goose I picked up from God knows where shi**ing in the backseat. It's interesting, but not always easy.

I do a lot of dumb sh*t, and I have a lot of ideas. My impulse control is that of a temperamental four-year-old on a sugar high. However, I will be the first to admit, I do a lot of dumb sh*t, and I will laugh at my mistakes. Eric can turn everything into a sit-com scenario. His jokes, timing, and wry humor are exactly what I need most days. I am being completely honest when I say he makes me laugh out loud every single day. He can take my mishaps that have me reeling and turn them into a comedy routine. When I am angry over something stupid and stomping around like a waddling little wet hen, he will giggle and tell me I am cute when I am mad. How can I possibly stay mad? My advice to young people is to partner with someone who makes you laugh. Physical beauty will fade, money comes and goes, in a healthy relationship, people grow and change. But the ability to laugh, now that dear reader, is unchanging. If you can laugh at yourselves, you can weather any storm. 

Respect is probably one of the biggest deal breakers in most marriages. Respect comes in many different forms. For us, it looks like not always saying what pops into one's head in the heat of the moment. It is counting our blessings when one of us is spinning out. Respect is not about focusing on shortcomings but about emphasizing the positives. Don't get me wrong, we both have our moments. We have both said some pretty rude things over the course of twenty-three years. It helps that my memory is about as long as my big toe. It also helps that the good far outweighs the bad, and we recognize that about each other. Respect is listening without judging, supporting without enabling, and recognizing that neither is perfect but loving each other anyway.  

What also keeps us solid is appreciation. It's the little day-to-day things that speak volumes as to how we feel about each other. It is saying "please" and "thank you". It is a compliment for a job well done, no matter how mundane. It is laying out a towel, a washcloth, and clothes before a shower. It's jumping in to do the dishes after a long day. It's saying thank you for a good meal when the meal was Tony's pizza on a paper plate. It's a glass of water carried out on a hot day. It's opening a door, helping with a coat, and offering a hand in and out of the car. It's not big gestures, flowers, jewelry, or lavish gifts. It's your favorite seasonal candy. It's filling up your gas tank because the other knows it will save you a step in your day. It's all the little things that make day-to-day life just a little bit easier. 

I caution my girl about young men who make grand gestures. Almost everyone can pull off a few memorable but far between over-the-top gestures. Gifts are easier to come by than actually showing respect. Words are meaningless if there are no actions to back them up. I tell her almost everyone can be on good behavior and act to impress for a few months, maybe six months to a year at most. Look for the consistency in the small gestures. Does he order you about or say "please" and "thank you"? Does he say terrible things or behave in shady ways, but makes it better by buying you a gift? Does he put you down or make fun of your shortcomings? Does he make you feel small? Is he all show in public but lazy, rude, or inconsiderate in private? Those are all red flags that are best seen in a rearview mirror. Some things are better just passing through. My advice to my daughter is to look for the Erics in the world. Granted, there aren't many...the world could not handle more than one Bibbed Wonder. However, some young men embody his best qualities. I also pass on very sound advice received from a dear friend in my early twenties: "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince."

My prince may wear bib overalls and "river treasure" hats, but I would not trade him. He is the first to make me feel loved, accepted, and valued. I hope my girl finds someone who makes her feel all those things and more.

On this hot July Monday, stay safe, be smart, look for the Erics, and keep washing your hands.