You Can't Unsee True Colors

Happy Monday, dear reader. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Thank you to everyone who came out to show your support for the Hannahstown Farmers Market. The Bean said she was happy to see some friendly and familiar faces. Such good, supportive people surround us. On that note, dear reader, let's talk about people. So, on Friday, someone who has chosen not to be part of my life reached a milestone. In April, it had been a decade since I became estranged from my family. I used to acknowledge milestones and holidays because I hoped I could love from afar and, if truth be told, still hold on to the hope that the relationship and the person would suddenly have a change of heart and become someone other than who they are. After several years of these acknowledgments being ignored, I finally saw their true colors. Once you see someone's true colors, you can't unsee them.

I am always slow to acknowledge when someone has hurt me. Eric says my best and worst qualities are the same: that I look for and see the good in everyone. However, sometimes people show you their true colors, and once you see them, there is no going back. It doesn't mean they are bad people; it just means that they are unable to meet you wherever you are and vice versa. I am ridiculously naive for a woman of fifty-three. I walk into relationships and interactions believing that everyone will care about me the way I care about them, that everyone has only my best interests at heart, loves as I love, gives as I give, and shares the same expectations as I do. My biggest mistake is having expectations of people. Not just expectations but high expectations. I expect to be treated like I treat others, and for the most part, that is with kindness, respect, care, concern, acceptance, authenticity, and generosity. The reality is, dear reader, not everyone thinks the way you think, shares the same values, desires the same outcomes, or sees you as a person of value beyond what you can do for them. 

I used to say that people always disappoint me. Sometimes, I still feel this way. However, I have come to understand that it's my fault for having expectations for people. I'm hurt and disappointed because of my own behavior. My life has become considerably less complicated and painful by just not really expecting much from people. I don't mean this to sound negative or woe-begone; I mean it's better not to expect anything from anyone, to accept who they are and where they are, and to place them in your life accordingly. 

Once you show me your true colors, I can't unsee them. It might take me a while to acknowledge them, and that is probably my defense mechanism. In the past, I have kept doors open in hopes that I am wrong, my perception is off, or I am misreading the situation. However, when I realize where I stand with you, you should expect to be placed accordingly. Placing you accordingly is not out of animosity, anger, contempt, or revenge; it is respect. Respect for myself, my feelings, my energy, and respect for you, your feelings, and your energy. It's wrong to try to force someone to be something or someone they are not and to feel something they do not feel. 

For me, actions speak louder than words. When you show me how you feel about me or our relationship, or when you demonstrate disregard for my feelings, I will pull back. There, more than likely, won't be an angry confrontation or a dramatic exit. There will be a quiet pulling back of my time, energy, and effort. When I come to understand that our energies and the value we place on our relationship do not match, I will quietly bow out, because a dramatic exit with fiery words and tears is not going to change who you are, how you feel about me, or what we have shared. 

When I love, I love with all my being. I will move mountains for you. I will defend you, and defending your honor will be the hill that I die on. I will give to you until I have nothing more to give. I'll do what I can to open doors, give you a leg up, and offer a hand if you need one. I will cheer you on, tell you the truth, and stand beside you when your world crumbles. But here is the kicker, dear reader: I expect the same in return, and therein lies the problem. I have a small circle that matches that energy, and it feels like it keeps getting smaller all the time. Because, dear reader, eventually everyone's true colors become visible, and once seen, they can't be unseen. When I realize that our energy, expectations, goals, and values are misaligned, it is time to take a step back quietly. 

The saying "blood is thicker than water" is a misconception. In my experience, water is cleansing (along with a good goat's milk soap). Sorry, I couldn't help but interject a bit of soap humor. Blood can be tainted, poisoned, filled with impurities and illness, bled dry. Water is pure, cleansing, restorative, a never-ending cycle of restoration. I find peace with my found family, my family who came to me through storms and turbulent waters, who stayed when I felt like I was drowning. If I consider you part of my found family, I consider you extraordinary, and you are loved more than you know. 

When someone removes themselves from your life, it can be painful, but it can also be a blessing. You can indeed love from afar. You can wish them well, pray for peace, joy, and contentment. Send them healing thoughts and good energy. It does no one any good to be bitter or angry, or to hold a grudge. That negativity will be returned to you. Instead, walk in graciousness. Graciousness does not mean allowing those who have hurt you a seat at your table; it simply means you do not speak unkindness, anger, or bitterness. We can all work on being more gracious. 

There are those I see out and about who always feel the need to have an uncomfortable conversation with me about my situation. My advice: don't. Don't bring up painful situations; don't tell me you will pray for restoration; don't advise me to act this way or that. If I seek your counsel, it's okay. However, don't offer unsolicited advice on a situation you do not understand. Instead, pray for someone who needs your prayers for peace, restoration, and healing. I'm okay, the people who have chosen to exit my life are okay too; it was their choice. Their colors have been shown, and there is no unseeing them. As they say, it's all good. 

On this June Monday, stay safe, be smart, acknowledge the true colors when they are shown, it's all good, and keep washing your hands.