Well dear reader, as I sit here contemplating the day, I feel a sense of hope and dread. Jordan and I made a delivery to our neighbor last night, upon our return, Eric informed us he not only had found a good home for Helen, our special needs baby goat, but that she would be leaving tomorrow (which is today). I’m forty-seven and my initial reaction was, “OOOOOOHHHHH! Tomorrow? Why so soon?” I then got it in check and changed it to, “OOOOOOOHHHHH, that’s good! Who is giving her a good home and how did they hear about her?”
I am not eleven. I know that we must place what Helen needs over what we want. I know that if Helen were to stay with us, it would have a terrible outcome and that is not what we want for Helen. If Helen were to stay with us, she would ultimately end up conceiving. Not just conceiving, but conceiving to her dad. If Helen were to give birth, I am pretty sure it would kill her. If she had a baby to her sire, not only would she pass away, she would have inbred babies with pretty serious issues. Nothing about that scenario is positive. The selfish part of me wants to keep Helen so I can go out to see her multiple times a day, yell Helen in a funny voice, and have her come trotting to me, to commence “Helen snuggles.” Part of me would like to continue rescuing Helen multiple times a day because her herd leaves her alone in the pasture in the rain, or goes to the pasture and leaves her in the barn alone, or she tries to follow the other babies through the gate and ends up getting stuck. However, we are not going to be home 24/7 forever. What will happen when we go to market for a day or we are at Tae Kwon Do for an evening and Helen is left with the herd of selfish bullies who care nothing for her well being or inability to get through the gate? No, I am forty-seven and I know that Helen needs a very special home with a very special family, and a very small number of goats. Although I am forty-seven and I know all the facts, options, and potential outcomes, I still want to cry a little bit. I want to cry not because Helen is getting a good home, but because I will miss her funny little face, her kind little soul, and her comforting demeanor.
For the first time in her short little life, my bean cried herself to sleep. That dear reader, is what truly breaks my heart. I have always been there to cuddle, to comfort, to assure, and to dry her little tears. Jordan did not come to us easily. I am unable to conceive. We did almost two years of fertility treatments and stopped just short of IVF…that is a story in and of itself. We opted for the international adoption route, spent another two years and thousands of dollars for a long series of disappointments. All this struggle and disappointment led us to where we were supposed to be and to the child we were meant to have. We met Jordan’s birth mother on December 9 and Jordan was born January 7, 2009. It was one of the scariest, most stressful roller coaster rides of love I have ever taken. With her difficult beginning in life, not once did she cry herself to sleep. I could always make it better.
Last night, I failed to make it better. When you are eleven and you love something, no amount of rationalizing and reason can make the pain of losing the thing that you love any better. I know this. We talked, we cried, we rationalized, we hugged, we discussed, and we ended up with a pile of tissues a mile high and a broken little heart. The reasonable part of me knows this has to happen for the well-being of little Helen. The mama bear part of me wants to sell all the other goats, just keep Helen and make my little bean smile again.
I am hoping for three things. I am hoping that after a good cry and a good night’s sleep Jordan will wake up with a fresh perspective on the situation. I am hoping her reasonable side will take over and she will feel better about everything. My child has a huge capacity for love. She sees the good in others and she just has this innate ability to love all that is good within someone. I hope she meets this woman who is going to give Helen the life she needs and she loves her. I hope this will ease the pain of losing this lovely little creature who brings us so much joy. I also hope we are able to stay in touch with this woman and have updates and pictures of Helen as she grows.
Heaven help us all if Jordan feels this person is unworthy of a life with Helen! She has this obstinate streak that runs deep and strong and if she decides this is less than perfect, there will be deep and long-lasting repercussions. I truly hope this woman can pass Jordan’s vetting system. She was formulating a questionnaire and developing questions that would “catch her if she is just telling us what we want to hear!” Now, I know the probability of this woman being a closet goat abuser is a stretch but I figure Jordan needs to feel like she has some say and control over the future of her beloved Helen. Also, as a fellow self-proclaimed control freak, I get it. Question away my love, if it makes you feel better, question away.
I will be sure to keep you posted dear reader. Please send out good vibes for my Jordan, for little Helen, and for the poor woman who dares to show an interest in Jordan’s beloved Helen. Fingers crossed, she passes the vetting with flying colors, is a saint, and a goat whisperer. I’m not sure Jordan will accept anything less.
As always, stay safe, stay smart, please send some good vibes our way, and keep washing those hands.