Debunking the Rumors
The Bibbed Wonder and I were conversing the other day, and the topic of his failed attempts at humor was the topic of our conversation. You see, dear reader, my darling husband delights in creating ridiculous stories about me. However, he fails to realize that many people don't understand that he is a chronic, irritating, often inappropriate jokester. He will make ludicrous comments about me to people who don't know me well and don't understand his wicked sense of humor. This has been a behavior that dates back to our dating days. Today, I will take this opportunity to debunk the rumors my buddy pants wearing darling has created for his own twisted entertainment.
Let us go back to when we were engaged. When we got engaged, the love of my life was a mere twenty-one years of age. He was still in college and still going to the uptown college bars on Thursday nights. Eric ran into a high school friend he hadn't seen in years. Upon catching up on life, Eric told his old friend he was engaged to be married. His friend stated, "Wow, I didn't think you were the settling down type. Why are you getting married so soon?" My little darling replied, "She's with child." He never told his comrade any different. Fast forward a year, Eric's mom encounters the comrade's mother at the grocery store. The unassuming woman asks GramBarb how Eric, his wife, and baby are doing. Eric's mom is dumbfounded and has to explain that there was no baby, there was no pregnancy, and her son is a jack ass. Eric got a "DAMMIT ERIC!" from both GramBarb and me for that one.
His antics have not changed in the course of our almost twenty-year union. If anyone asks how we met, he tells one of three ridiculous stories. His first story was, "It was my first trip off the farm, she was driving an ice cream truck and offered me num-nums. I had no idea what she meant by num-nums, and here we are twenty years later!" Sigh...it was not his first trip off the farm, I didn't drive an ice cream truck, and I never offered him anything. His second favorite tale of ridiculousness begins with, "She was stripping at the Rhododendron, I felt bad, took her home and made an honest woman out of her." Sigh...I never took my clothes off for money. If I had ever considered doing such, it would not be at the hole in the wall The Rhododendron. Do you see the battle I fight daily, dear reader? His third favorite tale of nonsense is, "We met on Farmer's Only...then he likes to sing the jingle: You don't have to be lonely at Farmer's Only.com." We did not meet at Farmer's Only; we met here on my dad's farm while he was building fence for my dad.
His charms do not stop there. Oh no, he tells strangers at the market that my favorite quote is, "You can't drink all day if you don't start drinking in the morning!" If anyone asks me a question, he will interject with, "It's a good thing you are talking to her before noon. She's usually passed out drunk by noon!" He also likes to tell people, "it's hard to keep her sober, but I do what I can." He made this comment to two women at market. My friend from market asked them how they liked our soap? The women replied, "We haven't tried it yet, but we felt so bad for the husband. He must be a saint being married to an alcoholic like that. It is such a shame!" Thank goodness, my friend informed them that I do not have a drinking problem, but if I did have a drinking problem, my husband would be at the root of my issues. It's so good to be understood...sigh.
Alas, his shenanigans have no end. He is also amused by telling people I have been arrested. If I am not in attendance at an event and someone asks about my whereabouts, he will reply, "She's been arrested again." If they look at him in astonishment or ask a question, he will elaborate with a spun tale of public drunkenness usually taking place at Walmart. For the record, I have never been arrested, let alone arrested for public intoxication at Walmart. Also, just to clarify, my picture with the call for my arrest is not up at any Walmart anywhere, let alone in the tri-county area. One last note, I am not a cleptomaniac. I have never been arrested for shoplifting anything but especially not underpants, Depends diapers, or goldfish...live not the crackers. He attended his twenty-year class reunion; I did not have a babysitter for my bean. Truth be told, I didn't really look for a babysitter for my bean...insert sly smile and wink face. He told everyone at his class reunion I was not in attendance because I had broken my parole, got drunk, went to Walmart, and tried stealing underpants by layering them on under my Hawaiian floral mumu dress. He also elaborated with I assaulted an officer, peed my stolen underpants, was tasered, and taken out in zip ties. My one and only friend in attendance spent the evening telling people Eric's wife is actually a nice, ordinary, law-abiding citizen with no addiction issues and doesn't wear mumu dresses. Do you see, dear reader, why I often say my bibbed wearing delight is a difficult man to like?
If it weren't for the mischievous twinkle in his beautiful blue eyes, the contagious giggle I never tire of hearing, and the sheer wicked wit I secretly enjoy, I may indeed do something to him to warrant my arrest. However, he keeps life interesting, and aside from his wicked, twisted imagination he uses at my expense, I thoroughly enjoy spending my life with this bib overall wearing wonder. I hope this debunks the ridiculousness that comes out of this man's mouth. If you have been told any of these outrageous stories and wonder if there is an element of truth to them, I hope this satisfies your curiosity. Also, I'm sorry if you were subjected to his nonsense and believed him. He is a convincing storyteller, and surely nobody would make up such wicked untruths about their wife. Sigh....
As always, dear reader, stay safe, stay smart, don't believe anything The Bibbed Wonder says, and keep washing your hands.