December's Man Blog

And so begins the last month of 2022. I cannot wait for the advertisements about a “December to Remember” sales events to start. I was thinking when would be the perfect time to drop almost six figures on a vehicle for the wife without her even seeing the said vehicle. What could possibly go wrong if I double down and get one for myself? I am willing to bet she will giggle and choose the truck. I have been pondering this for some time now. Where in the world do these advertising agencies get their ideas? Are there that many people living in a frozen paradise looking to surprise their spouse with a vehicle sight unseen? If we are being sincere, if that ever happened at the farm, I would spend the next ten years in a constant state of trouble. The surprise vehicle needs an oil change. That would never have happened if she had picked what she wanted. Eight years later, the groceries fall over in the back. Entirely my fault because the one she really wanted that was a different color would have secured the bags better. If the advertising companies wanted the most bang for their buck, they wouldn’t be pushing top-of-the-line cars this time of year. It is time for the cheapest makes on the market to shine. Yugo for Christmas, because you already spent enough? Need a gift and something that at least runs? Does Yugo have your back? Still technically a surprise vehicle for the holidays. Oh, she will be surprised!

Let’s not forget to get a giant diamond, either earrings or the ever-popular engagement ring, around the holidays. I know we measured your fingers in the summer. Still, I waited until after the Halloween candy, Thanksgiving feast, and Christmas cookie season to try to squish your little sausage fingers into a moment that would last a lifetime. For the love of God, they should go ahead and upsize the band to avoid any hurt feelings. Better yet, go two sizes. “Wow darling, you have dropped some pounds. Look how loose the ring is! It is the damn washing machine shrinking our clothes.” That, my friends, is how happiness is started. Not with giant googly diamonds but with big self-esteem-boosting bands if a holiday ring is for you. If these ad agencies were honest, they would just come out and say what everyone else is thinking. Need to kill two birds with one stone and are looking to get hitched eventually? Buy a ring. They missed the golden window of moving diamond rings, in my opinion. Lockdown. The slogans would have been priceless. Don’t miss this golden opportunity of avoiding a big wedding. No one looks forward to going to a wedding anyhow. The J.P. will do just fine. Call it done. You can still have cake.

As for the giant nonmarrying jewelry, let’s start with the mystery of what I did wrong that she does not know about. I cannot imagine just surprising the wife with a giant jewelry purchase without being hounded to death about what I did. I just figured I would drop half of what our first house costs on some earrings for you to put in a drawer to tell you I love you. No sir. The classic tracing my hand like a turkey card finished off with this turkey loves you does the trick. Again, honesty in advertising would be priceless. She will find out. It can’t make things worse. Something to take before the impending divorce. It might make her forget.

There are some mighty fine gift ideas for him that are absolutely for her. Here’s a nice new smoker/grill, darling. Translation, “you cook and get out of my hair for the better part of an hour. For the cost of a six-pack and some ribs, I get an entire afternoon with you out of the house.” The initial investment is pricy but small items added every year keep the dream alive. “Did you even use the beer can chicken holder I got you? The weather is looking clear this weekend. Go ahead and fire up the grill.” The manufacturers of BBQ equipment need to avoid the car and diamond ring advertising agencies and be honest. Need more me time? Send him grilling! Weekend spouse buffer machine. Not my turn to cook. Your best attempt at being helpful. Doesn’t mess up the kitchen.

Around these parts, camping gear is always a hit. Played off with the ever-popular slogan, you two enjoy camping out. In translation, I get an evening of watching what I want on T.V. There is a size limit that is never exceeded here on the farm—camping gear for two people. The upcharge of a three-person camping arrangement is not that large. However, the camping gear always stops at two. A brilliant slogan campaign is long overdue for the outdoor industry as well. Hunting gear, camping and fishing gear, all of it. Want him out of the house? He stays out longer if he isn’t freezing. This new toy keeps him occupied for days. Enjoy the indoors by sending him outdoors.

With the self-imposed stress of the holiday season upon us, relax. The ads everywhere this time of year are out of touch with reality. There would be a glutton of repossessed luxury cars by March if everyone bought into those snippets of Tom Foolery. Take the time to enjoy. Plan out gifts that are sincere and well thought out. Or at least pay attention or enlist the help of someone who knows what will be appreciated. Until next month, stay safe and enjoy the bubbles.