Search
  • Tina

Getting Out of My Own Way


On this beautiful, sunny morning, I am feeling hopeful. The last few days have felt a bit overwhelming. For weeks, I have been watching what I eat. I have been carefully counting calories, assessing fat and sodium content, and I have been cooking essentially two different meals, sometimes three times a day, because Jordan and Eric don't want to eat salads, fish, and oatmeal. To date, I have lost ounces, not pounds...ounces...insert sigh. This has been discouraging. I remember the days when I could cut calories and lose a few unwanted pounds. I know the simple science of weight loss is expending more energy than calories you take in. I believe I have a somewhat active lifestyle.


However, the problem is this; how am I supposed to work out when I feel exhausted, light-headed, and an overall blah? My blood pressure has been spiking, and I have sharp headaches again. The Bibbed Wonder has been concerned about my appearance all week. He says I look kind of blue. He considerately tells me to go to the house to lie down for a bit, but I end up sleeping for hours. I know this is not normal behavior. I also know it can't be in my head because my mind could not turn my complexion bluish-white and make me feel dizzy. I am diligent about taking my blood pressure medicine, eating healthy, drinking a lot of water, but I am struggling with exercise.


The part that is in my head is this; I am afraid to be too far from the house because I am afraid something happens. To clarify, I am afraid I have an episode of some sort and collapse in the field and can't call for help. I know this is not a healthy fear. I have been given the all-clear from the doctor to participate in moderate exercise. However, between my feeling of exhaustion and my mindset of fear, I can't find the motivation to get moving. I have felt stuck for the past week or so.


Last night, I decided I am going to move past this mental block. I need to move past this for my own good and the good of the two I care about most. When I am finished writing to you, dear reader, I will put on my workout clothes and take Buster for a much-needed long walk. I am going to get out of my own way and accomplish what needs to be done. I will have my cellphone handy, I will tell Eric where I am walking, and I have to prove to myself that I am not going to keel over...it sounds ridiculous when I write it out.


I was advised to join a popular health/weight loss group. To this point, I have dragged my feet because I question whether I will stick to it, and I think it is a bit pricey. However, the money that I spend on organic fruits and veg that go bad before I can eat them is probably in the ballpark of what I would pay on exercise videos on demand and shakes. I also feel like I have used this as an excuse not to do it. I believe this is pretty typical behavior for moms. I will find a way to support whatever my bean wants/needs but make excuses not to give myself what I want/need.


This journey is more complex than I expected. I thought I could make some changes, drop some weight, get myself moving, and all would be well. It's a little more complicated than that. I am going to do what I need to do to turn this around. However, something tells me I may not be able to do it alone. Two people, I trust immensely have advised me to seek a second opinion. I feel like I am difficult and disrespectful for saying to the doctor with the eight years of schooling and however many years of experience, "Um, I would like a second opinion before we schedule surgery." Again, however, I do not hesitate when it comes to the health and well-being of Jordan. I think I need to get out of my own way to right what is going wrong.


I apologize for the serious tone of the day, dear reader. However, I have been forthright with you to date about all that goes on in my world. Perhaps someone will read this and say, "Hey, I am not crazy/alone/a hypochondriac, this over-sharing soap maker is in a similar place as me." As always, dear reader, stay safe, stay smart, get out of your own way, and wash your hands.

79 views2 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Round II