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Getting Out of My Own Way


On this beautiful, sunny morning, I am feeling hopeful. The last few days have felt a bit overwhelming. For weeks, I have been watching what I eat. I have been carefully counting calories, assessing fat and sodium content, and I have been cooking essentially two different meals, sometimes three times a day, because Jordan and Eric don't want to eat salads, fish, and oatmeal. To date, I have lost ounces, not pounds...ounces...insert sigh. This has been discouraging. I remember the days when I could cut calories and lose a few unwanted pounds. I know the simple science of weight loss is expending more energy than calories you take in. I believe I have a somewhat active lifestyle.


However, the problem is this; how am I supposed to work out when I feel exhausted, light-headed, and an overall blah? My blood pressure has been spiking, and I have sharp headaches again. The Bibbed Wonder has been concerned about my appearance all week. He says I look kind of blue. He considerately tells me to go to the house to lie down for a bit, but I end up sleeping for hours. I know this is not normal behavior. I also know it can't be in my head because my mind could not turn my complexion bluish-white and make me feel dizzy. I am diligent about taking my blood pressure medicine, eating healthy, drinking a lot of water, but I am struggling with exercise.


The part that is in my head is this; I am afraid to be too far from the house because I am afraid something happens. To clarify, I am afraid I have an episode of some sort and collapse in the field and can't call for help. I know this is not a healthy fear. I have been given the all-clear from the doctor to participate in moderate exercise. However, between my feeling of exhaustion and my mindset of fear, I can't find the motivation to get moving. I have felt stuck for the past week or so.


Last night, I decided I am going to move past this mental block. I need to move past this for my own good and the good of the two I care about most. When I am finished writing to you, dear reader, I will put on my workout clothes and take Buster for a much-needed long walk. I am going to get out of my own way and accomplish what needs to be done. I will have my cellphone handy, I will tell Eric where I am walking, and I have to prove to myself that I am not going to keel over...it sounds ridiculous when I write it out.


I was advised to join a popular health/weight loss group. To this point, I have dragged my feet because I question whether I will stick to it, and I think it is a bit pricey. However, the money that I spend on organic fruits and veg that go bad before I can eat them is probably in the ballpark of what I would pay on exercise videos on demand and shakes. I also feel like I have used this as an excuse not to do it. I believe this is pretty typical behavior for moms. I will find a way to support whatever my bean wants/needs but make excuses not to give myself what I want/need.


This journey is more complex than I expected. I thought I could make some changes, drop some weight, get myself moving, and all would be well. It's a little more complicated than that. I am going to do what I need to do to turn this around. However, something tells me I may not be able to do it alone. Two people, I trust immensely have advised me to seek a second opinion. I feel like I am difficult and disrespectful for saying to the doctor with the eight years of schooling and however many years of experience, "Um, I would like a second opinion before we schedule surgery." Again, however, I do not hesitate when it comes to the health and well-being of Jordan. I think I need to get out of my own way to right what is going wrong.


I apologize for the serious tone of the day, dear reader. However, I have been forthright with you to date about all that goes on in my world. Perhaps someone will read this and say, "Hey, I am not crazy/alone/a hypochondriac, this over-sharing soap maker is in a similar place as me." As always, dear reader, stay safe, stay smart, get out of your own way, and wash your hands.

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