Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.
As I lie awake in the early dawn, listening to the rain pitter pat on the roof and contemplating my day, I heard my bean stir. I thought, “Oh, please let her sleep a few more hours. She will be grumpy, cantankerous, and a mean bean all day if she awakes.” Thank goodness, she remained asleep, she was restless but still asleep. The next thing that happened is one of my favorite things in this world…ever. Jordan begins with a low belly, deep down chortle and progresses into a full-blown giggle. She giggles in her sleep quite frequently and then the giggle established itself as an all out laugh. I lay quietly and listened to her, feeling like an intruder in a private, fun filled moment. Her laughter went on for several minutes, subsided and she went back to her normal deep sleep breathing. Whatever had caused her random, subconscious burst of happiness had passed.
Many of you already know, Jordan did not come easily to us and she did not have an easy beginning in life. There were months filled with fear, anxiety, and lack of control based solidly in the knowledge that this tiny little fighter was a gift from the heavens. I think back over the first six months or so of her precious little life and it is filled with bliss and a worry so deep and overpowering I am not sure how we did it. When Jordan was an infant, I held her…constantly. I literally spent 14-18 hours a day holding her. We would sit and sing, talk, listen to classical music, read books but mostly just cuddle. I had no desire to do anything else. She was and always will be the center of my world. When she was about six months old, it was like a curtain lifted and here was this bright little creature who just had a look about her that said, “Here I am, what are we going to do now?” It was when she was about six months old, I first noticed she laughed in her sleep. At first, I thought it was wonderous but a once in a lifetime thing. However, after countless hours of holding her and watching her slumber, I noticed she began laughing more and more frequently. It was wonderful to watch. It was like having a private viewing into a happy, secret little world. Then the fear of the unknown took over and I snapped back to my overthinking self.
She had an army of therapists when she was an infant. We did massage therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy later. I began with her therapists, asking if this was normal, should I be concerned, did they think I needed to take her to the doctor? They all told me they thought she was having happy dreams, to calm down, and no, it was not a life-threatening medical condition. I refrained from calling the doctor but at her next wellness visit I nonchalantly...um, there is never anything nonchalant about me when it comes to Jordan...mentioned she laughs in her sleep a lot. The doctor sat me down, took my hand, and told me to appreciate the fact that her dreams are pleasant and she is demonstrating subconsciously how happy and loved she feels. That made me feel better, much, much better indeed.
There were also those who told me they believe our loved ones, angels, heavenly beings visit us in our sleep because we are open and at our most vulnerable. It gave me a certain peace to think my dad or Eric’s dad could be visiting with her as she slumbers. Both men would have just adored this child and I am sure there would have been many episodes of laughter and shenanigans. Whatever my little bean dreams of, she has no recollection when she awakes.
I have always felt that Jordan has an innate sparkle, a happiness that is so pure, so genuine that it almost makes me ache when I witness it. Of course, I think she is amazing, I’m her mom but she is an old soul that is so wise beyond her years and so advanced in her thoughts, feelings and emotional understanding that I forget she is merely eleven. Whatever it is she dreams of, whoever it is that makes her laugh, I feel it is pure, unequivocal love.
As always dear reader, continue this journey in safety, with intelligence, may your dreams make you laugh, and as always wash your hands.