If you have met me in person, you may have noticed the deep furrow I have between my eyes. These lines run vertically between my eyebrows. I have also recently noticed that I have a few new horizontal lines running across the upper bridge of my nose. I have a rather stern look about me. Some rudely refer to my stern look as my “resting bitch face” or RBF. I believe it is part of my genetic make-up. My dad had a rather stern look about him when he was not engaged in active conversation. When I was teaching, my students would ask me what was wrong, if I were having a bad day, or if someone had “pissed me off?” My answer 90% of the time was no. It is just my face. I prefer to call these lines my WTF lines. With the company I keep, those WTF lines run deep.
Yesterday was a doozy. I peacefully drank my morning coffee and watched the weather report when The Bibbed Wonder came blowing in like a giggling whirlwind. Sigh, his mischievous giggle is never a good sign first thing in the morning. As he makes every effort to get his giggles under control, I can feel my WTF lines deepening. Finally, he is able to ask me, “Guess what I learned on Facebook?” I took a deep breath, braced myself, and sighed, “This should be good.” He then proceeds to inform me that he and his sperm will be a hot commodity in the near future because he has remained unvaccinated. Yep, you read that correctly. According to the experts on Facebook, where everyone should get their information, by the way, said facetiously, insert an eye roll, the sperm of unvaccinated men will be sought after by women wanting to procreate. This is because the sperm of vaccinated men will lead to all kinds of health issues, etc. Sigh. I’m not really sure what the article REALLY said, but this is The Bibbed Wonder’s take on it. Sigh.
He now walks around cupping his groin and calling it his preciouses, you know, like the hobbit in Lord of the Rings. He also randomly informs me his sperm donation will be his retirement fund, as opposed to my plan of working him to death. Sigh. And then, there is the sexy pose, the kitten purr, and the proclamation that he has a gold mine in his pants. Yes, dear reader, this is how I really live. As if his antics aren’t enough to create craters where my WTF lines once were, I now have to contend with my Bean’s real-life education in middle school.
As we sat with the Bean while she ate her after-school snack, she too began giggling wildly and began her retelling of the day’s events with, “Guess what?” I suddenly have flashbacks to my morning of being informed about The Bibbed Wonder and the super status of his sperm, so once again, I brace myself. I respond with, “I don’t know, buddy, what?” My little buddy then announces that she knows what a “boner” is, and it does not mean a mistake. Sigh. In October, we watched Adam Sandler’s Hubbie Halloween. I laughed uproariously at the t-shirts Hubbie’s elderly mother wore. They had phrases that read, “Boner Doner,” “Muff’s Diving School,” and “I Shaved My Balls For This?” When The Bean asked for the definition of a boner, I responded with, “a mistake.” She took it at face value and didn’t mention it again. Sigh.
My Bean then proceeded to tell me that “Sally” told her that “Joey Smith” had a boner in math class, and it was gross. Sigh. The Bean told “Sally” not to be mean that she(The Bean) makes mistakes in math all the time.” This quickly prompted “Sally” to laugh and then take it upon herself to educate my baby of the true definition of a boner. Sigh. This made The Bibbed Wonder giggle uncontrollably, which led to The Bean laughing like a crazed hyena, which only led to the further deepening of my WTF lines. My tax dollars pay for sexual slang and the erosion of my babies’ innocence. Sigh. The glories of middle school. I’m ready to put her back in that pink bubble I ordered and keep her home with me.
That dear reader, is how my Thursday played out. My husband thinks his sperm will save the human population, and my baby gets educated by other twelve-year-old girls on the topic of sexual slang. Now, my WTF lines are beyond even the highest dose of Botox. I’m pretty sure these bad boys are a permanent fixture on my face. Sigh.
I hope, dear reader, you have a wonderful weekend. Remember to stay safe, be smart, don’t take information from Facebook as a fact, don’t let your children attend middle school, and keep washing your hands.