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  • Writer's pictureTina

Phrases I Never Thought I Would Utter...Ever

I have been contemplating my life as of late. It dawned on me last night, I have uttered phrases that I never imagined in a million years I would speak, and it has all been in the last five years or so. Of course, life on the farm has created situations that are unusual and often disgusting. However, life with my bean has become grossly intriguing with an emphasis on gross. Add one bibbed-wearing wonder to the mix, and life becomes a mash-up of vulgar humor, inappropriate jokes, and disgusting behavior. Following is a list of phrases I never imagined, let alone would find it necessary to verbalize.

"I am so tired of smelling like milk, after birth, and poop!" exclaimed with exhausted exasperation. Baby season here on the farm is a busy and exhausting time. Often, multiple goats are in labor simultaneously, and we are racing back and forth between the two with towels, shots, electrolytes, belly button clips, iodine, and baby bottles. If a baby does not take to nursing easily, we step in with a baby bottle full of the precious colostrum and ensure the little one gets a belly full of this golden elixir of life. If a baby doesn't take to nursing on its mama, it has issues with a bottle as well. By the time the day is done, we are covered in milk, blood, afterbirth, urine, and excrement. Baby goats have the uncanny ability to release their bowels while nursing a baby bottle. If someone isn't present to give warning, inevitably, one is covered in caramel-colored, mustard textured baby poo. It is not the glamorous life I imagined for myself when I was small.

"For the love of all that's holy child, why are you sniffing your insert: armpit of a shirt, dirty sock, the crotch of pants?" I made this exasperating observation one morning when I was rushing my bean about trying to get her ready for cyber school. My ever sensible daughter pointed out that this is the most effective way to decipher dirty clothes from clean clothes. Sigh...another great way to interpret the status of said laundry is to put the clean clothes away and the dirty clothes in a basket. Sometimes I feel like life is just so hard...

"If you stick that G#$ D@&* finger under my M@#$%& F&%#@*$ nose again, I am going to rip it off and stick it up your f$@#!%& a$$! Scratching gross things and making me smell them is not a G$% D!$# Covid test, Eric!" Are you surprised, dear reader? I slap said finger at least a dozen times a day. Finally, when I have had enough of his nonsense, grab said finger, bend it in the opposite direction, and yell the above phrase. He then dares to tell me I am mean and have no respect for his funny self. Again, I go back to feeling like life is just so hard. So, so hard...

I feel like these conversations are uniquely and explicitly only in my world. Although exasperating and sometimes frustrating, I do love my life with my eternally adolescent man-child husband, coming of age farm girl, tomboy daughter, and my beloved goats. It is not the life I imagined for myself when I was young, but I would not change it for the world...except Eric and his F@!#%$& finger. I would change that in a heartbeat!

As always, dear reader, stay safe, stay smart, and wash your hands. Also, sniffing fingers is not a Covid test. It's just gross. Please refer to the handwashing.

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