Phrases One Should Never Have to Utter
There are phrases that I utter and I think, I should not have to say this. Seriously, there are just some things which one should not have to be told to do, not do, say or not say. This is mostly in regards to my dear little bean but The Bibbed Wonder fits into this category as well. I have comprised a list of phrases in order of category that one should never have to utter.
“Standing in soapy water is not the equivalent of washing your feet!” Dear reader, you probably think this was spoken to my child, alas, no, this is all my bibbed wearing buddy. He had been suffering from a mild case of athlete’s foot for a few weeks and low and behold, when asked what he was using to wash his feet he gave me a sheepish grin and said, “You mean you wash your feet?” Seriously?
“Just because you don’t smell, doesn’t mean you don’t need a shower.” This one is all my bean. We have come to the inevitable phase of rejecting all forms of personal hygiene. As I hustle her up the stairs to the bath, she does an exaggerated sniff of her arm pit and declares she doesn’t smell therefore she should not have to bathe. She did indeed bathe, loudly protesting the entire time, when I was rinsing her hair I may or may not have held the nozzle at mouth level for an extra rinse. The Bibbed Wonder then introduced her to the definition of water boarding. Sigh, it is a constant uphill battle with these two.
“Do not stick those cookies up your nose!” Again, one would think this is the behavior of a child, but no, it is my prince charming, The Bibbed Wonder. My bibbed wearing buddy loves peanut butter blossom cookies. The only time I make them is at Christmas. As I stood arranging a cookie tray for friends, he asked what I was doing. I told him we would be going to our friend’s house and I was taking a cookie tray. He then began to systematically stick all the points of the Hershey kisses on the peanut butter blossoms up his nostril. This was met with, “Dammit Eric, do not stick those cookies up your nose!” I was informed this was the only way to insure I would not give all his favorite cookies away. There are times I truly consider hitting the bottle…hard.
“Swiss Rolls are a once in awhile treat. They are not a staple of the food pyramid!” My bean is a notoriously poor eater. She has her mama’s sweet tooth x10 and will bypass all things nutritious to eat Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. I don’t have the heart to deprive her completely but we play a regular game of cat and mouse as I find new, and creative ways to hide the Swiss Rolls. Really, I should just put them in the bath tub. She would turn tale and run at the very notion of a bath.
“Dammit, stop blowing on that dog’s butt hole!” This little gem is all my bean. We have a pit bull mastiff mix with anal gland issues. His bottom is absolutely rancid, rancid I say. My little darling has discovered if she sneaks up behind him and blows directly on his butt hole, he jumps with all four feet off the floor like a cartoon character. Unfortunately, he is always caught off guard and this game never gets old for The Bean.
“No, I do not want to guess what you scratched last!” This is again all my prince charming, The Bibbed Wonder. He has a game, one of many, he likes to play. He comes in from the barn, comes up behind me, sticks his finger under my nose, and yells, “Guess what I scratched last!” Which is met with a tirade of curse words and an elbow to the torso. I, like Buster, am continuously caught off guard and this never gets old for The Bibbed Wonder.
These are merely the highlights of the circus ring I call life. There are many more phrases I could entertain you with and I fear my list will continue to grow, along with my exasperation. If nothing else, life with these two is always interesting and entertaining.
As we continue with our lives during this pandemic, stay safe, stay smart, don’t blow on things you shouldn’t, nor stick cookies up your nose, and continue to wash your hands really well…especially if you are finished with the Guess What I Scratched Last game.