There is an overall sense of weariness here on the farm. Mostly, I post about positivity, being a bright spot, laughing at myself, sharing the ridiculous antics of my bib overall-wearing buddy and my bean, and trying to be a source of goodwill and humor. This is not one of those posts.
Baby season is taking its toll on us. This weekend, we had two other little boys go down without warning. Lily’s little boy is failing to thrive. He eats, he sleeps, but he doesn’t move. He has no fever or symptoms; he lays and lingers like he is dying. We don’t know why one of our older little boys began taking seizures. His eyes roll, he convulses, and then he lies exhausted. It’s heartbreaking. Our trusted veterinarians can’t give us any answers. We are doing all we can for both boys, but it’s not turning around.
I feel tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed, and I don’t like feeling this way. Each morning, we awaken expecting the worst and then wonder if the worst isn’t the best. They are so tiny and innocent. They haven’t had an opportunity to live, play, to thrive. I can’t fix this, and I hate it. The worst part is, I think I know what needs to happen to make it better, but I can’t own that, not yet. My weakness makes me feel cruel and selfish. But is it weakness, or is it hope? I don’t know.
I need answers and perhaps a miracle; neither is happening. It’s been a rough baby season. Things feel hopeless between the uncertainties of baby season and the whole debacle with The Bibbed Wonder’s pigs. We stand to lose too many farm family members. I claim to dislike his pigs, but the thought of going to the barn and not hearing them snore, seeing them and their funny smiles, and not having 700 lbs. of unruly mass to scare the bejeezus out of me makes me sad. They have become part of our farm family. Scary or not, they’re family.
I’m unused to feeling so helpless and hopeless. If you are so inclined, please send some good thoughts our way. At this point, we can use every little bit. I apologize for being a downer. It’s all just a bit much right now.
On this lovely spring day, stay safe, be smart, accept that not all days are good days, and keep washing your hands.