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  • Tina

Friend-Zoned




I marvel at animal behaviors. I find it fascinating that their behavior frequently mimics human interaction. From family bonds, nurturing behaviors, and mating rituals, animals, provide insight into their complex relationships. Take, for example, our Large Black boar, Boris. Many of you have inquired why Boris has been staying with the goats. Some assume he has been placed in time out for some infraction, but it goes much deeper than that.


If you are a frequent reader of the blogs posts, you might remember that The Bibbed Wonder was anticipating litters of piglets from The Golden Girls, the three little pigs from across the state. Neither Dorothy, Blanch, or Rose has become pregnant. They are old enough, in good health, and The Bibbed Wonder has been tracking their heat cycles, but nothing is happening. Eric has vaccinated everyone to improve their immunity and address any underlying issues, yet still, nothing is happening on the reproductive front.


That has led one bib overall wearing wonder buns to take a closer look at the group behavior. Sir Boris is strong, huge, and handsome, in a rugged boarish sense. He is almost pre-historic in his build. If you pet Boris or give him scratches that make him squeal like a baby, you will feel his built-in armor. He is hard as a rock from his shoulder to his flank. This armor would be his protection from attacks from other pigs if he were in the wild. However, he is not in the wild. He is not competing for the ladies’ attention; he is the only show in town, which should make him the center of attention for all the ladies. Alas, Sir Boris Yeltsin, the Christmas pig, has been friend-zoned by every one of those persnickety sows.


It’s true if males and females spend too much time together, their attraction to one another goes away. They view each other as friends, celibate friends. Although sad but true, the reality is Boris has been friend-zoned. His instincts have not gone away, oh no. He tries; he really does. He brings his best game to town. He walks around strutting his stuff. He curls his lip; he snorts; he uses his best pick-up grunts. However, the ladies are just not receptive to his advances. Think about it; no one wants to be dry-humped by their “cousin.” Even though he is the only show in town, the ladies want nothing to do with him.


As the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In Boris’ case, this is true. In order to remedy his friend-zone status, The Bibbed Wonder removed Boris from the mix. He placed him with the goats to make the ladies want what they now can’t have. Now, they can look, but they can’t touch. They are able to see that sexy beast strutting through the pasture, but they don’t have access to all his manly charms. He can sniff, grunt, rattle the steel gates with his hungry jowls, but no touchy. The sexual tension in the barn is palpable.


The ladies have gone through several cycles with no satisfaction, and it is finally getting to them. Now, they are the ones who are strutting about trying to get Boris’ attention. They prance about, squeal and grunt, voraciously rattle the gates and swing their hinnies looking for love. Boris is finally feeling appreciated for what he brings to the table. All this wanton desire and attention has boosted his confidence. Eric says the anthem in the barn should be Stayin’ Alive by the BeeGees. We are contemplating adding a disco ball for mood lighting with some Marvin Gaye softly playing in the background. However, Eric does not want any litters born during the cold months, so the romance has to be postponed. At that point, the sexual tension will be so high there won’t be any need for mood lighting or romantic music.


The heart may want what the heart wants, but nobody is getting any satisfaction until temperatures are out of the freezing zone. The ladies will just have to admire their steely wonder buns from afar and fantasize about when they can finally be together. As with women, when all the attention is being showered upon them, they take the man for granted. However, when competition is involved, and the man is not as easily accessible, suddenly, that celibate friend becomes highly desirable. Human interactions and animal interactions are not so very different.


That dear reader is the story for the day. Poor Boris has been friend-zoned, and that is the reason he has been segregated. We are hoping these tactics help to build our Large Black Hog family. They are lovely creatures as pigs go, which isn’t really all that lovely. However, The Bibbed Wonder loves his heritage breed of pigs, so I indulge him…insert wink. I have stuck to my word that I will not do anything with those nasty creatures. Although, I must admit, seeing the mamas with their big floppy ears and a gaggle of little piglets with floppy ears running across the pasture is charming. I just admire them from a safe distance with an electric fence between us.


As always, stay safe, be smart, don’t take your man for granted(insert eye roll and laughter), and keep washing your hands.

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