If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.
-Mary Engelbreit
One’s perspective on a situation is ever changing and flowing. We are human beings with complex feelings, perceptions, and emotions. Our perspective is our opinion, it is not our truth. If you ask different people their perspective on a situation, you would get several different answers. There may be some commonalities but no two would be exact. My perspective on this virus thing is constantly changing. I don’t feel one way, any one day. I hope I am not alone. The following is my perspective at a singular moment.
I am tired of self quarantine. I am tired of people being in my space and not having an escape route. I am tired of looking at certain faces and my filtering system is becoming weak. I think inappropriate thoughts all the time. Mostly, I think funny, inappropriate thoughts…sometimes borderline mean…but still funny. I think things that I would never dare verbalize…I think things that make me cringe over the fact that I even think them. I think things and giggle over the imagined reaction if I did verbalize them. Does this make me mad? Does this make me a bad person? I think this makes me a wickedly funny person in a stress filled situation with no real outlet of expression. Okay, I may be a bad person too.
Noises bother me. I come from a long line of noise sensitive individuals with anger issues and inappropriate responses. My dad, was the godfather of wicked comments related to irritating noises. Even as children, we knew not to scrape our bowl, rattle a chip bag, or chew too loudly because my dad would impose a glare so sullen and stern it could freeze water. Of course, as a teenager, I did all the above things and laughed. However, I completely understand his irritation. I’m not sure I have always had this sensitivity to this degree, I think it has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. As this self- imposed quarantine drags on, I dread mornings more than usual. I dread the noise of scuffing slippers on my floor. I abhor the sound of a spoon being scraped over a bowl repeatedly…over and over…without end. It makes me want to do inappropriate things like clap like a seal when I hear the slippers or ask if one would like to stick one’s face in said bowl to ensure every last drop is consumed. See, I told you I am mean. I then have to leave the room and giggle because I imagine the look of insulted astonishment over such rudeness.
I am tired of pointless conversations. I am tired of hearing the same thoughts expressed repeatedly just in various forms. Just because the wording is changed doesn’t make it an original thought. That is what I want to say. Instead, I smile and nod perhaps now I am just down to nodding without the smile. I am tired of questions being answered with questions. I think that may become my new pet peeve. My first pet peeve is loose hair on anything in any form. Hair in the shower, vomitous. Hair on the sink near my toothbrush, gag reflux exercised. Hair on the floor, oh dear God, I think it is stuck to my socks…insert gagging. Well, perhaps that is a bit extreme. A question being answered with a question probably fits in to the use of double negatives category. Not vomitous but still grating on one’s nerves.
I am tired of feeling like I can’t do what I want without judgment. I like to nap every day at 2 p.m. I like quiet time when I nap. I don’t like to hear other people’s music, phone conversations or oven buzzers going off every ten minutes. I just want some quiet time. I feel mean and petty as I write this. However, I know I am not alone in these thoughts. I know my loved ones feel just as frustrated with me. I know my fussing about school work is working on Jordan’s nerves. I know Eric is getting up extra early to have some quiet time to himself. I hear him go out to the garage every morning at an ungodly hour and I let him go alone. I get it.
I know that there are families out there who are in greater predicaments than mine. Families who are in apartments in the city with no outlet for themselves or their energetic children. Families who are facing illness and not being able to be with loved ones in their time of need. Families who are wondering where the next meal is coming from. Sadly, families who are facing struggles far greater than I can wrap my mind around.
Not only are there families who are struggling, what about the individual who doesn’t have anyone with them. The individual who would give anything to hear a voice, see a face, have someone to eat a meal with or play a game. An individual who would give anything to be annoyed by someone they love.
Yes, I am tired of self-quarantine at the moment. However, I know it has far greater meaning than just petty irritations caused by day to day life with family. My point, it’s okay to feel irritated, overwhelmed, annoyed, or frustrated. They are your feelings and they are valid. Feel them, let them come…it’s okay. Like I tell my bean, it’s okay to feel negative feelings, just don’t hang out there for too long. Hanging out in negative head space isn’t good for anyone. As Eric’s dad, Dale, always said, you don’t have to look far to find someone who has it worse than you. Perspective dear reader, it’s all about perspective.
As always, stay safe, stay smart, keep the perspective, and keep washing those hands.