June's Man Blog

We have been opening the month of June with some outside chores. The first of our pastures has been mowed down, and we are wrapping up the cleaning of the barn. One of the greatest farm inventions of all time is under my bottom in the photo. The skid steer will never be as appreciated by any generation after mine. My age group was fortunate that entire barns weren't cleaned out by hand. We did have smaller tractors that would do most of the cleaning for us. However, it was never without some elbow grease to reach where the tractor bucket could not. When these small and nimble pieces of equipment began making their way onto farms, they were initially viewed as an added expense that offered only slight improvements over the cumbersome tractor setup. But once you were fortunate enough to get your bottom in someone's skid steer, you could see the pure brilliance of the machine. Hardcore John Deere fans, the guys who wear green and gold underpants and socks, the ones who wouldn't forgive their spouses for sitting in an International or Massey, jumped ship and bought Gehl. The only reason is that bank barns are rather common in Pennsylvania. The hay and grainery were on the top floor of the barn. The livestock was kept at the bottom of the barn. When the barns were built, no one was exceptionally tall. The John Deere skid steers were too tall to fit underneath. Quotes were requested to see if the barns could be raised. When given the choices between going without this delightful equipment, going broke, or jumping brands. The brand loyalty stopped because of one of the handiest, well-thought-out pieces of equipment on the farm.

Unfortunately, not every new idea is a great one. A few years ago, every single time I turned on the TV, there was a military-grade flashlight getting dropped out of space, run over by a tank, and then frozen. It still worked. They could have stopped right there. Even if it was only half true, it was better than the flashlight that drops two feet and quits. What the hell, if I act now, I can get a second one at no cost. Just like that they dropped the ball in the commercial and have a burgler running through a yard that is paralyzed by the blinking strobe option of this damn flashlight. I have never burglarized anything, I have never run through backyards for nefarious reasons, I have never even shoved anyone. However, I feel that I am not alone in thinking that the annoyance from the strobe light flashlight would make my burglar-self bludgeon someone for being that damn dumb. If I were a violent person, I would be sure to be twice as violent after having a strobe light shoved in my face.

Another whizz-bang idea is the washer-dryer combo. No, not a matching washer and dryer, but one of those washer and dryer love babies that does both. I have no problem doing laundry. My laundry skills are basic but sufficient. I have bibs and non-bib and towels, so don't bother me. But not once, while doing laundry, have I thought to myself, 'This flipping from one machine to the next is the worst part of my life.' There are a dozen more annoying parts of the process. Sorting isn't ideal, but it's not a major issue. Loading and flipping, I still smile. Folding and putting away, solve that problem, and I can't give you my money fast enough. I would settle for a countdown timer on the dryer that is remotely close half the time. (It is like our dryer is on metric time.) Another part of laundry that I enjoy is not being electrocuted when the spinning shower and hairdryer combo finally cash out. My prediction is that within a decade, someone is going to get fried. More than likely, a lot of folks will buy it, but it won't get news coverage until a family of 17 gets the appliance from hell and dies a fiery death. We couldn't be trusted to operate Yard Darts without injury, but they expect us to mix water and electricity multiple times a week without issue. The only workaround is so many sensors and safety features that the hunk of junk will never function correctly, and will be off the market in a few years.

Tina's last car was the Buick version of a Blazer. It doesn't matter how witty and charming these car companies are with their renaming of old ideas. I am not using the new names. One day, the trusty Buick was starting slowly. The next day, it just wouldn't turn over. Since a core fee is involved with buying a new battery without the old one to replace it, I didn't want to take the battery out, drive to town, swap batteries, and then drive back. All of the auto parts stores now offer to replace batteries and wiper blades, so why not? I had the make and year written down, left the car running, and bought the new battery that was rolled out on their switch the battery cart. I had no idea where the battery was on this car and didn't want to make someone else's problem mine. They can't replace the battery if they don't know where it is, is what I was told. So I drove home with a new battery in the trunk and the core fee out of my pocket until I returned. Thank goodness for YouTube. The battery on that particular model was in the easiest location to be replaced. Under the floor, on the passenger side, in the back seat. The most inconvenient part was moving the floor mat. What an engineering wonder! I bet the engineer never had kids. Kids who ride in the back seat, mainly on the passenger side. All I can think of is a spilled milkshake starting an electrical fire.

Today's homes are built to withstand various forces of nature. They are installed in a matter of weeks, whereas previously it would have taken months, encompassing central cooling, in-floor heating, and climate control in every room. There is no sense in having a bedroom if it doesn't have its own bathroom. The days of having to plan around others' bathroom schedules are over. If the family has to leave in an hour, everyone gets ready at the same time. There is no more scheduling or planning to be on time. You are the king or queen of your own bathroom space, without having to be on anyone else's schedule. We might as well add a gourmet chef and a personal garage onto everyone's living space. One of two things is bound to happen. Option one: the kids move out, and the two of you are left to clean twelve bathrooms that are never used. Waiting, as eventually the plumbing starts to deteriorate and cause random issues throughout the house. Option two is that the kid never moves out because it is really no inconvenience to live at home. I always believed that divorce was only ever caused by at least one of the three I's: Income, In-laws, or Intercourse. I also think that the fear of multiple bathroom cleanings or the little bird not leaving the nest may be an issue.

Next month, I am leaning towards why these good ideas don't exist. Spoiler alert: put a cheeseburger in a hot sausage casing. The convenience of a hot dog, the taste of a cheeseburger. (I am not too proud to be sponsored, Sonic.) Until next month, burglar some yard darts out of your neighbor's garage while they paralyze you with a blinking flashlight and electrocute you with a washer/dryer combo. Stay safe and wash on.