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  • Writer's pictureTina

The Three Little Pigs

Once again, The Bibbed Wonder talked me into something I knew was a bad idea. There are times I just know something is going to explicitly complicate my life, be unpleasant, or not have the results promised and yet, I throw all caution to the wind and go along with him. Oh yes, yesterday was one of those days. Sunday is usually our day to recover and enjoy some down time, especially during market season. However, yesterday we drove across the state to buy three Large Black gilts…or girl piglets. We left after barn chores were completed and had an enjoyable trip. We saw beautiful country, we enjoyed each other’s company, and we were building our little farm family.

Four and a half hours later, we arrived at our destination… actually five hours later because we had to stop for gas and restroom breaks. However, arrive we did and we met the nicest family. I am always caught off guard by the kind, friendly people we meet when we are on a farm or soap adventure. Not only did they welcome us to their farm, they had lunch waiting for us, and they opened their home for our comfort. Eric had merely communicated with this gentleman via messenger other than that, we were complete strangers. However, by the end of our visit, we felt like life long friends.

I suppose when like minded people are brought together that is the reason for the connection. This gentleman and his granddaughter are passionate about heritage breed animals. They do everything as nature intended and care for their creatures with love and compassion. Not only did they have Large Black Hogs, they had geese, turkeys, chickens and even an abandoned calf. The only thing missing from their farm family were goats. I promised to remedy that the next time we visited. Eric picked out three lovely little girls we named Rose, Blanche, and Dorthy. I wanted to get a fourth to make a complete set but again, my bibbed wearing buddy just rolled his eyes at my rationale. I have often told you he does not appreciate my charms.

You are probably wondering what I have to complain about. It sounds like a perfectly lovely day and it was until the trip home. Life with my bibbed wearing buddy is anything but dull, sometimes it borders chaos. You see, Eric convinced me to take my car on this trip. Not only take my car but haul three twenty-pound piglets in the back, in a dog crate, with The Bean in the backseat. We have a Buick Enclave with the third-row seating option and a large cargo area in the back. It is amazing what it can hold. However, I never intended for it to hold three little piglets for five hours on an eighty-five-degree day. I knew it was a bad idea but again, I had no idea just how bad it could get. Would you not think common sense would kick in at some point?

We have a truck and a perfectly lovely livestock trailer. Please allow me to add that the perfectly lovely livestock trailer was purchased specifically for hauling pigs. I could have had my bathroom remodeled but the livestock trailer would make one bibbed wearing wonder's life easier. However, the argument for not taking the perfectly lovely livestock trailer that is specifically for hauling pigs was that they are only three twenty-pound piglets. Twenty-pound piglets that would ride more comfortably in an air conditioned car. Twenty pound piglets that the cost again could probably remodel my bathroom. Upon reflection, I should have pointed all these things out to one bibbed wearing buddy.

The gentleman from which we bought the piglets was convinced I was the ultimate wife. Only the ultimate wife would permit her bibbed wearing husband to haul three little pigs in the back of her car. Don’t worry, The Bibbed Wonder shut down that rumor very quickly. Once the piglets were loaded, we got on the road, and all went well for the first two hours. The little princesses laid together like three little sausages all in a row. They slept quietly and were no trouble. I began to wonder what I had been so concerned about. I should have known better than to get comfortable with the lack of chaos. After the second hour, The Bean decided to break out the road trip snacks. Once the little porkies heard and smelled food, they were up, they were loud, and they were hangry. Larger piglets eat every two hours or so, almost like clockwork. When they decided it was time to eat, there was no peace. Not only were they awake and hangry, they needed to relieve themselves…and all three of them did just that almost simultaneously. I knew it was bad when my bean announced that they had peed all over each other and it was leaking out of the crate. Peeing is bad but the worst was yet to come..and come it did. Like yucky brown, grain filled toothpaste that just keeps coming. The stench, dear Lord, the stench. I could see The Bibbed Wonder side eyeing me. I spoke not a word, barely uttered a complaint I just sprayed my mask with peppermint hand sanitizer and put it over my face. The Bean is giving us play by play of the on goings in the back and it was far from pleasant. Not only were they now covered in waste, they were awake, wrestling, and biting each other on the face. Apparently, face biting really sets off hangry little pigs because the noise that ensued was truly epic.

The Bibbed Wonder tried to hold my hand which was now covering my masked face with a blanket sprayed with peppermint oil, and I quietly removed said hand and gave him “the look” over my masked, blanketed face. He smiled, can you believe he had the nerve to smile…and said, “I’m proud of you for not saying anything.” Of all the things he could be proud of me for, not sharing the explosive thoughts roaring in my head is what he chooses to point out…seriously? Ugh, men. The last three hours of the trip we were all counting down until we arrived home. Every fifteen minutes The Bean announced how long until we were home and away from these foul-smelling creatures.

Once we were home, we had to get the little pork princesses settled, milk the goats, do the bedtime check, and of course clean out the car. I have my car covered in the custom fit rubber mats. Not even Weathertech could protect my car from this. The Bean helped me clean out the car and complained the entire time. Which I may add is ironic considering she is one curly tail shy of being a piglet. Pound for pound, The Bean is more destructive than Hurricane Katrina. The car tends to be her focus but she is equally as destructive in the yard and the house. No, Jordan is far less smelly and foul than the piglets…give me melted crayons on my Weathertech mats any day.

I thought we had done a pretty good job. It wasn’t detailed by any means but everything had been removed, scrubbed, and disinfected. I got in my car today, it is not gone; it is not gone at all. The car will have to be detailed, it will have to be disinfected again, and it will have to be fumigated. I fear going nose blind to the smell of pig poo. How awful would it be to be the soap company whose owners smell like pig poo…sigh. It’s a very real possibility I am afraid. Lesson learned…when The Bibbed Wonder says, “Don’t worry!” be afraid, be very afraid.

As always dear reader, I hope you are able to laugh at our ridiculous antics. It’s a circus but we laugh a lot and love even more. Remember to stay safe, stay smart, don’t haul piglets in your car, and wash your hands…especially if you fail to listen and end up hauling piglets in your car.

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