Yesterday, was a day full of choices and enlightenment. There are times when I feel that the voice of the universe speaks so loudly and clearly that one would have to walk around blindfolded with ear muffs on to miss it. Yesterday, was one of those days. You see, like everyone else, we face difficult situations and challenges. We have had a year filled with challenges, heartbreak, soul shattering betrayal, and days filled with confusion, anger, and the heavy burden of self-blame. My dear bibbed wearing buddy has uttered the phrase, “Even Job got a break, seriously” more than once.
Our little tribe has walked around in a cloud of bitterness, anger, and pain and we isolated ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I liken us and our reaction to emotional pain to wounded animals. We holed up, we didn’t talk, and we felt like we were alone in our suffering…and we preferred it that way. You see, often it is easier to hold on to the anger than face what is on the other side of the anger. The Bibbed Wonder and I are both excellent at using anger as a driving force and hiding behind it. We took all the necessary steps, sought professional help, and worked within our little family to heal but it feels like a charade. A charade one very insightful, wise little bean can see through.
It has only been in the past few months that I have been able to verbalize what we are going through. I have only begun to discuss it with people outside my tight knit circle. Often, it is just blurted out in an apology for stonewalling and holing up. It feels like tearing off a band aid…it needs to be quick and painful. And then, out of nowhere, I receive an email from a long-known gentleman sharing his insights to a previous blog post. In this email, he touches on struggles he has faced which are similar to ours but he has no way of knowing this. It took me weeks to respond. I contemplated how I wanted/needed to respond and I knew…again that little voice inside of me spoke…that this was happening for a reason. So, I responded with my treat it like a band aid approach and blurted out the fundamentals of our tale.
Recently, we were finally granted the freedom we have been praying for and have thought would help us with closure and healing. However, once the day arrived, the declaration made, we still felt the weight and heaviness of the past year. Nothing had changed. That further fueled the fires of anger and betrayal. It has been almost two weeks and the anger over the situation is just below the surface and we have felt terrible. Eric and I were at a breaking point with the bean standing witness to it all. We knew something had to give. It did give, we received another email from the gentleman and he invited the three of us to his home for coffee. That simple, quiet hand extended to a small, injured, struggling family was like a life raft in storm.
Last night, we had our coffee date. We were nervous for the conversation. I don’t know that we will ever feel comfortable sharing our experience. All the feelings we have been hiding from, afraid to admit, were validated and we finally understood, we are not alone in this. What we took from this visit was that it is not our fault, we are not alone, and we have to give up the blaming of ourselves, give up control, and understand that this is not our burden to bear alone. We are not the only family to experience this pain, this betrayal, and fall victim to a broken system.
When we concluded our visit, we left and we felt lighter. We were able to laugh, yes laugh, over similar painful experiences. Often, to laugh is the only way to stop the crying and laugh we did. It felt good to laugh about things we have felt would break us. It felt good to know we are not the only family to journey down this road. It is also heart wrenching to know we are not the first family to take this journey. It is even more heart breaking to know, we will not be the last. There are beacons of light that guide you in life. If this fine gentleman and his lovely wife had not shown their light and extended that simple invitation for coffee, Eric and I would still be struggling in that cloud of anger and bitterness.
We awoke this morning feeling much lighter indeed. We discussed our visit over coffee and my dear bibbed buddy said it did him good not only to talk freely about our experience but to listen to that of others. He also concluded that being angry is just as bad as sitting and crying and feeling bad for himself. Either way, it will consume you if you allow it. I feel less alone, less angry, a little less betrayed. Do I have the closure I feel I need, no. However, the fact of the matter is, I may never get the closure I feel I need. Maybe, just maybe, it is not about closure but simply moving on and not staying stuck in the past.
One simple gesture. One generous invitation for coffee. A simple, friendly conversation. An ear to listen without judgment. All seemingly small acts but such a great impact. One brief visit over a few hours put painful events of the past year in perspective. That is a kindness that can never be repaid. What is even more moving is that repayment was never expected. My fine gentleman friend, I know you are reading this to your lovely wife. Go about your day knowing your simple act of kindness, your willingness to share and your ability to listen changed the outlook on one small, struggling family. The universe does indeed speak to us if we are willing to listen.
As always dear reader, stay safe, stay smart, listen to the universe when it speaks to you, and wash your hands.