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  • Writer's pictureTina

Fat Bottomed Girls Don't Make The World Go 'Round

Updated: Apr 1, 2022

My dear reader, 99.9% of the time, I consider my darling bib overall wearing husband one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, if not the most intelligent person. However, some moments make me shake my head. My husband is very conscientious of treating me with kindness and respect. He tells me regularly that he is proud of me. He compliments me on my ideas and creativity. He also makes an effort to compliment my appearance by telling me I look pretty, look nice, or he thinks I’m beautiful. Yes, there are a lot of jokes at my expense. However, I have a pretty thick skin and a good sense of humor. I can laugh at myself, and I understand that Eric is just his humorous self.

Several years ago, he slipped up; he slipped up big time. We got new phones, and you know what it’s like when you get a new phone. You play with its options, add your personal touches, and add ringtones. After playing around with our phones, Eric begins giggling like a schoolgirl. He was laughing so hard; he had trouble catching his breath. Once Eric got his giggling fit under control, he asked me to call him. I obliged and was outraged when I heard the ringtone he had set for me. The Queen song, Fat Bottomed Girls, began blaring when I called him. As he sat cackling at his cleverness, the look on my face was enough to sober him instantly. My response was, “Are you f!@#$%& serious? That’s my ringtone? Change that now you a$$!” He nervously giggled again and then cautiously said, “You’re serious? Do you find anything funny about this? Come on, it’s funny.” I continued to glare at him.

He, of course, began back peddling and over-explaining. I was genuinely upset and angry. I didn’t want to hear his reason; having the song Fat Bottomed Girls as my ringtone was enough of an explanation. Over the course of a week, each time he foolishly tried to breach the subject, my response to him was, “You are an a$$,” and I would walk away. He would then give me a half-assed apology like, “I’m sorry you’re upset with me. I thought it was funny.” Or “I’m sorry you don’t find me funny.” Or the ever-popular, “I’m sorry you don’t have a sense of humor.” Seriously, the man is intelligent but not smart enough to know when to stop making noise from that hole in his face.

Fortunately for him, I seem to have short-term memory loss. I’m only half-joking when I say life with me is like the movie Fifty First Dates. One of the more annoying symptoms of Lupus is one experiences brain fog and memory loss. If we have met and I don’t remember you, it’s not that I’m rude or callous; I genuinely don’t remember. I will read a book or watch a movie, only to reread it or rewatch it and have no recollection of the plot. Short-term memory loss is annoying, but it works in The Bibbed Wonder’s favor. However, sometimes he’s not smart enough to know when to let sleeping dogs lie or allow short-term memory loss to work in his favor.

A week or so ago, he sent me a text that read, “In 1978, astrophysicist Brian May, assisted by Freddie Mercury, postulated that the Earth’s rotation was due to ‘Fat Bottomed Girls.’ After more than 40 years without being disproven, refuted, or even seriously questioned, this must now be considered scientific fact.” Luck was in his favor that day. I was running errands when I received that message. By the time I got home, I was exhausted and had forgotten about it. However, yesterday as I ran through my texts looking for information, I came across this very message and remembered to be outraged.

As we worked at making soap, I shouted over the blender, “By the way, you’re still not funny-you’re an a$$!” He turned off the blender and asked for an explanation. I chastised him over the message about Fat Bottomed Girls and told him he’s still not funny. The fact that this happened over a week ago and I stopped the soap-making process when I remembered to be outraged was enough to send him into fits of giggles. Sigh, he’s still not smart enough to be sorry. He told me I’m cute and someday I will appreciate him and his funniness. I beg to differ. By the way, after all of the anger, scolding, and indignity, he changed my ringtone to Darth Vader, saying, “The Darkside is calling.” Sigh, the man is incorrigible.

That dear reader is just one example of the shenanigans I put up with on a daily basis. Please remember, dear reader, stay safe, be smart, know when a joke isn’t funny and never will be, and keep washing your hands.

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